The corrective mechanism is always triggered by the entity to be corrected.  Homeostasis — Biology

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree: What city moms didn’t tell you about creating fulfilling relationships

When I was in tenth grade I had a biology teacher I truly loved. He was

an elderly Indian man and we prefixed his last name with “daddy” becausehe truly treated us like his kids. One day during an Anatomy, Physiology,and Hygiene class, Daddy Chandra said, “We are going to be studying homeostasis. Now, homeostasis is the maintenance of equilibrium, or constantconditions, or balance in a biological system of higher animals by means of coordinated automatic mechanisms that counteract influences tending towards

disequilibrium.”

“Please explain,” a student requested.

“Basically, as you are sitting here right now, things are happening in

your body to make sure your internal environment stays constant, like your

temperature or the salt water balance in your body. This ‘fixity of the milieu

interieur’ is essential to the life of higher organisms.”

Hunger was happening to me for sure, and I needed some food to maintain

my internal environment. So I slipped my hand under my desk and pinched

off some French bread I had tucked away. I acted like I was about to wipe my

mouth and I popped the bread in. Now you can talk about homeostasis, Daddy.

When you are young and in boarding school, food is a constant on your

mind as your internal environment won’t let you get away without nourishing

it. We always had a fork in our back pockets because we never knew when and

where we would find some grub.

“You understand me, Mariyah?” Daddy Chandra had eyes all over his

body. He might have been slow and potbellied, but his missed nothing.

78

Esther Lamnyam

“Now close your books and listen to me. What I’m going to tell you is very,

very important. The corrective mechanism is always triggered by the entity to

be corrected.” He walked around the class as he lectured.

“And that is the law of homeostasis.” He stopped by my desk and looked

at me. The piece of bread was safely in my stomach and I was sure that was the

corrective mechanism I had taken.

“Find that entity and correct it and you are home free.” Amen to that as

my hungry pangs were dispelled. He went on to explain and teach us all about

homeostasis and the different examples in the human body.

That lesson was probably one of the most important and valuable lessons

of my life. I applied Daddy Chandra’s law of homeostasis to so many different

situations of life—biological and non-biological—and have always been able

to solve the problem. The key is the entity that triggered the problem in the

first place. If you can figure this causative entity out, you can figure out the

corrective mechanism. The law of Cause and Effect is always at play; just think

outside the box a little.

Keep digging until you get to the right element that triggered your

relationship issues, as it is not always immediately obvious. Do not treat the

output or symptoms; find the real inputs and correct them, then the right

output will just happen.

Many of us are too lazy or scared to get to the bottom of our issues so

we blame everything and everyone else, knowing deep down we are not being

truthful. I have also found out that many people just enjoy staying in this pity-me-

state to drum up sympathy and attention.

With Julie sitting in limbo, or rather passing out in limbo in my arms,

my instincts kicked in and I knew we would need to apply some relationship

homeostasis if there was any chance of rescuing this relationship. Where

was Maya Sophia when you needed her? What was she still doing in the car

anyway? We could hear Micah coming downstairs.

“Daddy,” he called out.

“Get up before Micah freaks out,” I urged as I pushed against her limp

body. Julie did not move and neither did she care who saw her on the floor.

“Mommy, are you all right?” Micah dragged his cast-bound leg to his

mom’s side.

“Mommy has a headache. Please, Micah, open the door and call grandma

Maya for me,” I asked Micah. He opened the front door, stepped outside and

shouted back, “Maya is not out here.” Even Julie reacted to that. The last thing

any one of us wanted to deal with was looking for a black African grandma in

this neighborhood. Julie lifted herself off of me as if asking me to get out there

and confirm what Micah relayed.

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

79

I got up and looked outside and sure enough, Maya Sophia was not in

Julie’s car.

“I do not have the energy right now to deal with this,” I murmured. I had

to attend to Julie and Micah and now Maya was pulling some crap like this on

me. She had better have a good reason to wander around Bethesda.

“She is not out here,” I told Julie.

“Call James and asked if he saw her in the car when he left.” She tried to

push up off the floor, but her energy failed her and she made herself comfortable

against the wall. Micah crawled into her lap and she reluctantly put her left

hand around him. He wiped her eyes with Kleenex.

“Mama, did someone die?” He was not used to seeing his mother cry.

“James, did you see Maya when you left the house?” I asked when James

answered his cell phone.

“I am alright,” Maya responded. James had immediately passed the cell

phone to her when I asked about her. It was clear he did not want to talk to

me, probably thinking Julie would come on line.

“Where are you, and where are you going?” I asked.

“I asked James to take me home, okay. You all take care now.” I sensed

a little irritation on her part and a ‘don’t ask too many questions’ energy.

She hung up the phone. Now relieved she was okay, my mind flooded with

questions about the situation at hand. What had made James snap and how

could they be brought back together? Therapist, my buddies, and Maya had

not helped. I wondered again about this egg spinning thing that Maya had

done at the hospital when Micah was very sick. Maybe we could spin some

now because we needed either magic or divine intervention to get James to

reconsider his decision. Julie had seriously violated the relationship for sure,

but I thought progress had been made.

What village mom starting teaching us that city mom did not.

When James first stepped out of his house with his suitcase, coat, and hat

in hand, Maya was waiting for him.

“Hi, Maya.” James had a lot of respect for Maya and could not just walk

past her.

One of the things I observed was Maya Sophia’s effect on men. All my

friends’ boyfriends had incredible reverence for her and showed it in subtle

ways. For example, their body language, their tone of voice changed, and they

craved her attention and would do anything for her. They would stay at the

house if she was there, but they didn’t extend such consideration to their own

girlfriends. She had a way with these men that I secretly longed to have. She

did not fuss, raise her voice, or make demands, but men from Dr. Morgan to

80

Esther Lamnyam

James Walker relaxed completely in her presence. They seemed to derive a type

of grounding from her. I wondered if she knew this or if it was an art that she

could teach me. I could not ask her at first because I did not know what it was

and could not put it in words. Secondly, I did not think I was royal or woman

enough to command such presence. I made a mental note to gather enough

courage to ask her before she went back to Malah.

“Ma Pikin,” she called James ‘my child’ in Pidgin English. Though Maya

never attended school, she could speak English and Pidgin, as the need arose.

She knew what language to use to get what she wanted. After a year of her

presence, she and James could talk and James spoke fluent Pidgin; granted,

he owned a company that did work in developing countries so he was used to

different vernaculars and variations of English. He was a good businessman.

“Mama.” Did he just call this African woman “mother,” he caught himself

wondering.

“Where you di go?” she asked in Pidgin English.

“I am going to the hotel for the night.”

“Take me home, ma pikin.” She still clung to her Rosary. James put his

suitcase and coat in the trunk of his Mercedes.

“Let me tell Mariyah I am taking you home,” he said.

“Don’t worry, let’s go,” Maya responded. James was not in a mood to argue

with her; neither did he want to deal with two sobbing women nor Micah

trying to follow him. So he opened the passenger door and closed it after

Maya got in.

“Don’t take the beltway please,” Maya said as James pulled out. He had

planned to take the beltway, as that would be quicker and he could then be

by himself. I lived in Silver Spring; going through the neighborhood was a

little longer but filled with beautiful early summertime foliage. Maya was not

interested in sightseeing, even if there had been daylight. They drove for a mile

without speaking.

“I see you vex plenty.” Maya was talking more Pidgin English to James

today than during in her whole stay.

James did not respond. His mind digested all the presumable bad things

Julie had done to him. He was wallowing in his own misery and the more he

thought about the betrayals, the more he did not want to see Julie. He was

not concerned about Micah’s well being. He would work it out; he loved the

boy and would never abandon him. That was his son and the fact he had but

a few weeks ago found out he was not Micah’s real daddy did not change his

love for Micah.

“Ma pikin,” Maya continued. She knew James was too angry to talk. She

got him in the car just where she wanted and he could not run away, so now he

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

81

had to listen. “Men and women issues are very complicated. I stay home all day

when you all go to work and I watch television. Men and women are doing bad

things to each other on television, and then they cry as if they did not know

their actions had consequences,” she continued.

James glanced at her and wondered what was new about that observation.

To him that was the essence of the world he knew and lived in. He had not just

expected his marriage to become like one of those stories on TV. He was now

going to become an element in the statistics.

It was now dark as they drove through the winding East West Highway.

He drove slowly as his mind clouded with misery. It consumed a lot of energy

to pay attention to Maya. He would have loved to be lying down with a stiff

drink. Faintly he heard Maya saying, “Children are not yours. They are only

yours when in the womb. They only come through you to be prepped for the

world. You are a Christian; think what Joseph went through, especially in

those days.”

Poor guy, James thought, but at least he knew from the start he was not Jesus’

dad and he made his peace with that.

“You have been chosen to usher Micah into the world. Of all people, he

chose to come through your home. When you did not know he was not your

son, you were okay. But the minute you knew it you fell apart. Nothing has

changed on the outside world.”

James thought this old woman must be blind; life was not the same since

the discovery. He was not his son’s father. His whole world changed. He kept

driving as they had about five more miles to go.

“You see, ma pikin, what you think about all the time is what you make

happen. Julie did a very bad thing and if she were my daughter, I would have

put her on my knee and whipped her behind myself.” Now you are talking, James

thought, though I should be the only one whipping her behind. Oops, bad thought,

as it sent a tremble of anguish through him. Hmmm, maybe she’s got a point

about this thinking stuff .

“You all have been to those doctors that help married people; what do you

call them?” Maya asked and James was now obligated to talk.

“Relationship Therapist,” James responded.

“Eh heh, therapy—didn’t they help you?”

“They did.”

“Then we talked at Mariyah’s house and I thought things were getting

better. Julie apologized and promised to be responsible. What changed?” Maya

asked.

“Maya, I can’t trust her anymore. I feel she might do it again, but what

really messed me up is the mental image of her and another man. I can’t deal

82

Esther Lamnyam

with that image. It is driving me crazy.” James’s anger resonated through the

car.

“So that is what you have been thinking about, my son.”

“Yes. I see that man and who knows what other men touching her body

that is supposed to be touched only by me and my stomach hurts. Then she

comes home and loves me and I feel like I’ve been poisoned.” James was so

angry he gripped the steering wheel of his Benz hard. Maya could hear he was

near tears. She did not say a word for the rest of the drive home but simply

meditated on her rosary.

When an eagle cries, the tears bless the earth.

When they arrived in Silver Spring, Maya asked James to stay awhile so

they could talk. She offered James a glass of water and sat down on the couch

while James flopped on a beanbag and leaned back on the couch where she was

sitting. He told her his anger, his frustrations, and all his dashed dreams. At

the age of fifty-four he would have to start all over. Maya sat and listened and

let him pour out his heart. He needed to talk.

While we women had ministered to Julie’s emotions, nobody had

ministered to his from the misconception that men don’t easily get hurt. Maya

put her hand on his shoulder and he started to cry. He placed his head on her

leg and wept like he had never done in his life. The old woman gave him love

and warmth. It was almost as though he could feel his mother’s presence in the

room. He became a boy and he knew Mama would fix it as always. So he let

it out, all his problems from junior high, high school, college, work, and past

relationships. He dug them all out and cried all those tears he stuffed inside.

Maya hummed a tune and rocked and rubbed his shoulders and just let him

cry. She did not try to stop or comfort him verbally. She remained present, and

that was all he needed.

After he stopped crying, Maya gave him another glass of water to drink

and asked him to go wash his face. Like a little boy, he did and once he drank

the water, peace enveloped him.

“What do I do now? I am so afraid of what she could do in the future, but

I am also afraid of walking out and abandoning Micah and Julie, for I do love

them,” James said now that he was more composed.

“Love is not enough reason to stay in a marriage,” Maya quietly replied.

“I don’t understand. I thought you wanted me to try and make it work,”

James asked, confused by what Maya had just said. If love was not enough

reason to stay in a marriage, he got this all wrong.

“I did not say get a divorce. I mean there are many other things that make

up a marriage. Just love alone is not enough,” Maya reiterated.

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

83

“I know trust is very important. Also respect. Okay, I have my own

company and make lots of money. We can buy whatever we want and travel to

any place in the world.” James took another drink of water.

“With all this material wealth, titles, degrees, and all the help you got, you

all are still crying; you are here and Julie is at your house,” Maya responded.

“Maya, I did not do anything wrong. I did my very best to make sure my

wife and kid had the best home and things money could buy. What else could

a brother have done?” His comprehension was waning.

“Do you want to know what you all could have done to have a stable

relationship?” Maya asked. James wondered why she had to ask for his

permission to tell him when he was stressing so badly.

“Do you think you have a better idea than all that I’ve heard on the past few

weeks?” This village mother had helped make a starting difference with his son,

but marriage was another thing all together. This was not Malah; marriage in

Malah and America were totally different. However, he acknowledged his son

was eating better, sleeping better, and concentrating on tasks more. He had

paid for the best marriage counselors and he was still unhappy, so what could

she do? “I have nothing to lose,” he concluded.

“It is not a better idea, ma pikin. It is the way of the ground, or the earth,

as you all call it here. You can’t change it; whether you go up or come down,

you must always come back to it.”

Okay, I have lots of education; I’ve never heard this before. But I have all night,

so humor me, James mused.

“When you want to know let me know.”

Why does she want me to ask her? James wondered. “Yes, I want to know,”

he finally admitted.

“Good,” Maya had a serious look in her face. “Before I tell you, I want you

to tell me if you want your marriage back. Do you want to be back with your

wife?”

Okay, this old village mom must have lost her mind or she is sick and feeding

off my misery, James speculated as he grew irritated by Maya’s questions. He

wondered why he had to declare his intentions of wanting his wife back.

James was about to say yes when it occurred to him that saying yes would

mean accepting Julie’s infidelity, her past, and the fact Micah was not his son.

Saying yes would mean he would have to work harder to find out what Julie’s

needs were and to satisfy those needs. His mind reeled with responsibilities

and that scared him, but something also happened. He realized there would

also be joyous times ahead. Maya was smart, after all; she was on to something.

Nice trick.

84

Chapter 11

If you alter your thoughts and your words, you will alter

your life.

Maya wanted James to state his purpose. By declaring his intentions he was

sending a clear message to the Universe, God, the Cosmic, Vital Force, Being,

the Grand Architect of the Universe, Allah, the Subconscious, the Master

Within, or whatever your Source is. You can call him or her whatever works for

you. To me it is one and the same. I look at it this way: Some people understand

the world through mathematics, some through art, some through music, or

physics, chemistry, history, sports or psychology. It is still the same world. It

is still the same Source; and some will understand him via Christianity, some

via Buddhism, some via Hermetism, or some other thought.

We do not get what we want the way we think we should because we are

not clear about what we want. A lot of people want a good relationship but

they say “nobody is perfect.” Without meaning to, they negate the fact that

there is such an experience as a good relationship. Because they do not have

needlepoint clarity and belief in the possibility of a good relationship or perfect

person, they subconsciously send this message out to their Source.

When James did not know Micah was not his son, he was happy. When

he found out the betrayal, the bottom of his marriage fell through. Trust had

been violated. This happened because he conjured all sorts of illusions in his

mind. Nothing had changed physically—traffic was still the same, the same

news anchor came on TV, fast food tasted the same, and NASDAQ was going

up and down as usual. All that had changed was what he visualized and dwelt

on. That became his reality.

What you think about is what you will eventually manifest in your life.

If you think you want to eat fried chicken, you will not end up eating fried

plantains. You will structure your day, time, and driving route to get this

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

85

chicken. If you think all day about having a fight with your partner, you will end

up somehow at least with an argument no matter how accommodating your

partner is. We hear about “self fulfilling prophesies” all the time. Prophesy

thus unto thyself and relationships good things! As you do, watch the universe

connive to bring your prophesy into fruition.

Your mind is the garden where seeds are planted and watered by the

thought energy we give to those seeds. Those seeds geminate in the physical

plane. Athletes do this all the time. If unhealthy thoughts produce unhealthy

experiences in our lives, conversely, healthy thoughts should germinate healthy

experiences.

When you plant one grain of corn, you always harvest more than one grain.

Birds migrate and come back at the end of the season in greater numbers.

Thoughts are the same; they are like the grain that we plant and then harvest

at the end of the season, but always in multiple fold. That is a law of nature and

you can use it beneficially to your relationships or to their detriment. The only

way you can live in harmony is to cultivate harmonious thoughts and deeds.

Cultivating harmonious thoughts takes practice but more importantly a

choice to cultivate them. Our experiences in life are a consequence of the choices

that we make daily, hourly, and every minute. Maya wanted James to first make

a choice of whether he wanted a good marriage. This marriage could be with

anybody, as there is no one person branded as your only soul mate. If that were

the case, then searching for your soul might be futile because they might be in

the south while you are in the northwest, or they might already be dead. So the

first thing you have to realize is that you have to make a choice as to what you

want. This sounds very simplistic, but try asking a few friends or the person you

are dating what they really want relationship-wise or career-wise or any wise

for that matter, and you will see a lot of us are not clear on what we want. This

obscurity sends hazy demands to the Cosmic and we get back exactly what we

asked for. Then we think our demands are not being answered.

For example, I have a friend who wants to be in a relationship. When asked

what type of relationship, he is vague about whether he wants a companion for

movies, travel, and sex only, or whether he wants someone to cultivate intimacy

with that could lead to a lasting relationship, or whether he wants to find a

partner with the qualities that could eventually lead to a marriage. One thing

for sure is that he wants sex. So he gets sex all the time but he complains about

meeting the wrong women. He has not aligned his intentions with his thoughts

because he is not clear about what he really intends. So he gets what he thinks

about haphazardly: friendship, sex, movie partner, sex, travel companion, sex,

and more sex, but not a lasting committed relationship. One thing he is very

clear about is the sex, so he gets that most often. He might think his prayers are

not being answered but they are. The Universe will give us the “un-clarity” that

86

Esther Lamnyam

we ask from it. To us we think it is clear but somewhere deep down in us we are

not being fulfilled. Think about it. This applies to all aspects of our life.

So the first thing we must do is choose what we want, the lifestyle we want

to live, and the way we want to affect the world and those around us daily. A

cat knows what it wants and goes for it, making the necessary demands. A

baby knows what it wants and lives it and makes the necessary demands. An

apple tree is very clear about it’s intentions and demands. A lion knows it is

a lion and never tries to be a tiger; neither does the moon try to be the sun.

Maya let us know that we must first know who we are to make such choices.

Who are you?

The farmer does not wait for the day of planting to cultivate his soil.

When I had talked to Maya Sophia on phone while she was in James’ car,

she had asked me in our dialect to bring Julie over if I did not hear from them

in the next hour. Needless to say, I had to cajole the grieving Julie to make that

happen. In my experience, the best currency you can have is good friends;

friends who would take on your burden if the need arose and you don’t have

to even doubt.

When we arrived at my house, James was sitting on a bean bag at Maya’s

feet and Maya looked to me like an ancient goddess in all her glory. There was

a peaceful feeling yet powerful energy in the room. She motioned for Julie to

sit down and asked me to give her a glass of water after I had put Micah to bed.

What is this thing with her and water? Right now Julie and I need a stiff drink and

James needs a butt whipping. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, especially

since you are never grown to your parents. I did not want the butt whipping I

wished on James. Maya’s whips may not have been physical, but the pain and

resulting discipline they instilled in me encouraged me to seek out healthy

behavior as her rewards were always very educative.

I put Micah in bed, gave Julie a glass of cold water, and was about to go to

my room when Maya asked me, “Where is your own glass of water?”

“I am not thirsty,”

She clapped her cusped hands, shook her head in a disappointed way, and

said, “You do not feed people in your house without tasting the same food.” I

quietly got a glass of water and as I returned to the living room she said in my

dialect, “Sit down, my daughter, and let me talk to you all. The things you do

and say are no different from that of your friends.”

In ninth grade, my smart girl friend used to say, “Aves of the same specie

flock in close proximity.” Saying “birds of the same feather fl y together”

was beneath her. She had a big word for everything. Maya was now almost

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

87

predicting my future marital woes based on my associates.. The people you

surround yourself with do matter, for sooner or later you pick up some of their

culture and language, especially when you do not have yours defined.

Well, Maya, the only way to get a divorce is to be married, and I am not.

“All relationships are marriages of a certain kind,” Maya declared to us. I

told you this woman seems to be a mind reader. So in a way I was married to

all my close friends…definitely not Solace.

“When in a relationship, an energy is created that surrounds that

relationship whether you see it or not,” Maya added.

Maybe that is why I felt at times so close to my coworkers. I spent more

time with them than I spent at home. I was going to sit here and learn wisdom

from now on. So Maya started little by little teaching, mentoring, and guiding

us like a mother duck guides her little baby ducks.

You see, in the village when a man and woman have issues, they go to

their parents or the elders for counsel. At night around a fireplace war is

fought and peace is made. By daybreak the children and the rest of the family

wake up without a clue of the deliberations that had taken place at night. In

the city, when we have issues we scandalize our own very mates by telling

our friends and the world. The energy put into our relationship issues by the

thought process of those we tell our issues to can either enhance or destroy the

relationship. Thought forms are real and do take on a life-like behavior.

Say, for example, your boyfriend suffers from PE (premature ejaculation).

You tell your friends and they sympathize or laugh about it. Your best friend

tells her best friend who tells her best friend and the “sympathy” or laughter

continues. Now sometimes without realizing it they might either wish you

well or enjoy your dilemma. This they do through their thoughts and, like we

discussed earlier, what you think about is what the Universe gives back to you.

So a friend might think, “Good, he has PE, that braggart.” The Cosmic hears

“PE is good,” so more PE is given to him in multiple fold. Remember, you plant

one seed of corn you get back a whole head of corn with lots of seeds on it. This

concept I’ll explain more in a later chapter. This is also commonly known by

another word called “prayer.”

To make this whole village scenario complete, Maya asked me to light a

candle.

“The problem with you city folks is that you have forgotten your elements,”

Maya admonished.

In the village while mothers cooked over the fireplace, they told fables

and folktales to their kids. Through these stories, the laws of nature, family,

community, manhood, and womanhood were taught to the next generation.

88

Esther Lamnyam

It was easier for children to understand ethical values and spiritual principles

through a story than when given in a lecture or through punishment.

“Today, you don’t even eat together,” Maya continued.

I knew from reading that fire helped focus the mind, among other benefits,

and that is why most prayers were said with candles. But I was beginning to feel

there was more to this fire principle than I found in books. I made a mental

note to ask Maya more about fire before she went back to Africa.

“My children,” Maya still had her rosary in her hand, “when a man and

a woman come together in a relationship, it is for spiritual growth and not to

amass property. You all have the best property I have seen in my stay here, yet

you cannot feed your spirit.”

James and Julie could not look at each other, and I felt like I should not be

in here making them more embarrassed.

“Look at Mariyah—she has more clothes than is needed by the whole

village, even if each one got two outfits, but she cannot even keep a relationship.”

Maya was now getting into my eighteenth zone and I was ready for war. Like

in soccer, once the opponent crossed into your eighteenth zone, it was war

declared. You had to fight hard or they could score a goal against you. Well,

before I could say I was single by choice she continued without even looking

in my direction.

“You all have become so sensitive that over the very smallest thing you

want to fight, divorce, break up, or sue. Even when you do that, you still run

back to the same situation.”

Her words instigated a repeating dream of going around the beltway

without ever being able to exit. I would see an exit approaching, but by the

time I got there it had changed or someone blocked me or I forgot my intent

of exiting. Yes, I was sensitive, but who wasn’t? I did not think it had kept me

in an endless loop.

“If you find a new partner without understanding how the laws of nature

work in relationships, nothing has really changed except the partner. An old

car with a new paint job does not the engine make.” My respect for Maya was

growing by the minute. So this was what I missed by not growing up or visiting

the village more often: wisdom from elders like Maya.

“You have to focus on yourself and not on your mate. Your partner can

never give you something you do not have within you. You would not be able

to recognize and appreciate it,” Maya told us.

I recalled that a few years after living in America, a lady I worked with

liked me so much she gave me her first diamond engagement ring when she

remarried. She told me how much I meant to her and gave me the ring and

I was very happy with her kind words and love. One day a friend saw the

diamond ring in my jewelry case and got all excited.

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

89

“You have a diamond ring. Whoa. Why don’t you wear it? Diamonds are

special; they are a girl’s best friend.” As a network administrator, data backup

was my best friend. To me, diamonds had no special meaning because when I

grew up the village creeks abounded with beautiful stones. Besides, most of my

friends had family members whose body parts had been amputated because of

diamonds. I saw that stone in a totally different light. I grew up with sparkling

stones, fresh flowers, and gems. They made my friends happy, but to me they

were not enough for me to give up my soul, intimacy, or promises.

I once took an African visitor to Washington D.C. to the Smithsonian

Museum for African Art and they promptly walked out. They asked me what

was so special about looking at the calabash bowls and earthen pots they used

daily in the village or the stools they sat on. It was like taking an American

visitor to an African city to a hamburger or blue jeans museum to entertain

them. Maya was now helping me understand my confused experiences.

“You have to know who you are first and foremost to be able to relate to

others,” Maya said. Knowing who you are helps you make the right choices.

That knowledge will govern your relationships and what you will accept, do,

or not do.

“Know who you are. Who are you?” Maya asked. We just sat there waiting

until her silence instructed us to answer her.

“To go back and make your marriage work, you have to know who you are.

To be in any relationship, you have to know who you are. Who are you?” she

asked again and looked at James. James looked at his glass of water. Julie looked

are her feet and I looked at Maya, but my mind was trying to figure out who I

was. Maya was quiet and James, the leader, spoke out, “I am a black man living

in America trying to put food on the table for my family.”

Deep down I knew that was not what Maya was trying to pull out from us,

but I, too, was at a loss of who I really was. I was a hard working, loving black

woman who was taking care of her job and family. I was happy and could pay

my bills. Now I was sounding like one of those personal ads on the Internet.

I wished I could sneak away and print a good one and tell Maya that was who

I was. The bottom line was I did not know who I was and neither did Julie

or James. We were all successful adults living the American dream but still

unfulfilled. We defined ourselves based on what society defined for people

but not based on core spiritual concepts.

“Maybe it is time you started dreaming your own dreams.” I told you this

woman is a psychic; she always says what is on my mind.

When you do not know who you are, you live the life that is presented to

you by whoever is most convincing. You have to understand that you are a spirit

in a physical cocoon. A cocoon that is very demanding and needs attention

twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That demand is so powerful that

90

Esther Lamnyam

it overshadows the spirit because the spirit is gentle and calm and all-knowing.

The noise in our lives and the hectic schedule makes it difficult for us to listen

to the silent voice of the spirit. However, we listen to the voice of everyone else

and react to them based on the button or desire in us that is being stimulated

at that time.

My simple mind was beginning to wonder what this had to do with Julie

and James’ marriage, but this was good stuff anyway. Many roads lead to the

same farm.

Knowledge that we are spiritual beings allows us to figure out how to

nurture the spirit. For example, knowledge that you are a physical body allows

you to figure out how to nurture that physical body. We do this by such

things as eating, sleeping, exercise, massage, sex, and entertainment to create

homeostasis in our bodies and relationships. While some of these physical

activities do create balance leading to awareness and receptivity to spiritual

realms, the spirit has its own needs that would create spiritual equilibrium.

Once we recognized the existence of our spirit body, we can now learn how to

attune to it.

Attunement to our spiritual self will consequently lead to more balance,

calmness, clarity of purpose, and a better appreciation of nature. With this

awareness, cleansing and balance of the physical person affects the person

within, which is your inner self.

“Who are you, Julie?” Maya asked. Julie had not spoken for hours, so she

sipped water before answering to quench her parched mouth.

“I am a hard working Christian mother, and…and…” she hesitated, “and

a wife.” She said wife so quietly you had to be listening to hear. She was not

sure if she would be a wife for much longer.

“I am not going to tell you who you should be, but I’ll tell you how you can

begin finding out who you are or who you believe you are. That knowledge will

help you in all you do as you would not do that which you are not and hence can

succeed tremendously in that which you are. You have limited time on earth to

be everything and nothing,” Maya told us.

Know Thyself

When I was about seven or eight years old, I came home from school with

my dress all rolled up and tucked into my panties because I had been playing

handball. I had been so overjoyed when the bell rang to go home that I forgot to

release my dress. In those days, girls were not permitted to wear shorts, so girls

were prone to tearing up the hem of their uniform dresses when running to

catch the ball. So they rolled their hem into their pants. My mom looked at me

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

91

and asked why in goodness’s name I was dressed like that. For the first time my

eyes were opened and I saw my skinny long legs sticking out inappropriately.

Fear of being disciplined overcame me, but fear of the consequences of not

telling the truth overruled, so I told her all the girls at school were doing

that so I did it too. She looked at me sternly and said, “Never come into this

house again and say you did something just because everyone else was doing

it. I will punish you for that only. You have to do what is correct and not

because everybody else is doing it. Think for yourself.” She did not whip my

tiny behind. Sometimes you just wished you were whipped because realizing

you disappointed someone you loved and someone who believed in you could

make you wish for punishment. I do not ever remember her whipping me, but

I remembered that counsel my whole life. That day I started being my own

person and learning how others influenced me.

While sitting with Maya that incident hit my mind and I realized I had

from then on began formulating who I was. I started thinking before following

the persistent crowd and schoolmates, as I had to come home and report to my

vigilant disciplinarian parents.

“What I can tell you is this,” Maya motioned me for more water in her

glass and continued talking, “start by trying to have an idea of the things you

will do or not do, no matter the consequences. It will be like your personal

constitution.”

Every nation or business has a statement defining what they are and

what they do. They try hard to align with this mission statement. A good

relationship should have one also. So then I saw how the statement “I will

not follow the crowd just because everyone else is doing it” was a line on the

“Personal Constitution of Mariyah.”

Along the way in my dating life I had dated a man called Storm who was

like a little boy in a grown man’s body. He gave me a run for my emotional

budget; he threw tantrums, withdrew, then sucked me in and withdrew again.

Times he got me so confused I thought I was drunk and my hair was falling out

without anyone pulling on it. He liked to start arguments and because I was

not given to arguments I was always left confused and bewildered; at times I

ended up not knowing what we were arguing about anymore. So I was always

beaten up in arguments with him, especially because I was always trying to

argue fairly and lovingly.

One day he started another argument and I could not sneak out of it nor

make sense of what he was saying to me. All of a sudden with his constant

badgering, my mind kind of flipped. That was when my secondary school days

kicked in and I found myself back as a member of the prestigious Debating

Club. I started arguing with him but at a level that I knew well and by the

92

Esther Lamnyam

time we were through, I had belittled this man so much he looked like an idiot

and an efulefu to me. He could not answer basic questions or substantiate his

points, nor make constructive sentences when cornered. I had totally flattened

him. How then could I bear to let an idiot or a stupid man touch or kiss me?

The pedestal I had put him on crumbled. I never argued with him or another

man from that day on. I found other ways to manage my relationships without

stooping or being overbearing. On my Personal Constitution was the fact that

I will not get into deep arguments with the man in my life since I did not have

a handle on the methodology of a “lover’s quarrel,” and the end results were

never healthy even if I won. I could see how Maya’s concept of knowing who

you are made some sense.

“Women are so beautiful. When Mariyah takes me to the mall I see them

everywhere with their long beautiful hair and braids,” Maya was smiling as she

spoke. Oh boy, I wondered, what is she going to say next?

“Just look at the way they dress and the beautiful jewelry adorning every

part of their body. It makes it hard for a man to choose just one woman to be

with.” I was sincerely hoping Maya was not going to say it was okay for Julie to

cheat on her husband just because there are so many handsome and rich men

out there. Julie and I bowed our heads in anticipation of her moral axe.

“There is no way a man is not going to have more than one girlfriend if he

does not have a personal code of ethics to live by,” Maya continued. Whoop,

that was close! I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew it was a good time to be a man

with so many gorgeous women, but I also knew that players were not gender

specific.

“If you just watch the animals on nature channels, you will realize that sex

is as natural as defecating, so it is no big deal to a lot of men. But women are

more spiritual than men because they are the direct co-creators with God, so

sex to them means more than to men.” Now I was getting more interested and

I could see James and Julie were too, by the spark in their eyes.

“Women might not realize it, but they are more in touch with the One

Source because of their invisible connection with Mother Earth. A woman who

is spiritually elevated and has a moral code of ethics or personal constitution

can handle sexual relationships better as she is able to differentiate lust sex,

mating sex, healing sex, creative sex, physical sex, and knowing sex.” Maya

Sophia blew my mind away.

One thing I’ve struggled to have all my life is common sense. My mom

used to look at our errors, shake her head, and say, “All you kids have is book

sense; you do not have common sense, develop common sense.” I could now

say I did not have “sex sense” after listening to Maya. How come nobody told

me all of this before I started dating and having my sweet little heart and

emotions messed up?

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

93

“When you know who you are,” Maya continued, “you do not just indulge

in relationships because the women or the men look good or have money. And

if you do, you understand what you are doing so you do not lose your mind

and energy.”

I wondered if she was speaking from experience. After all, misery loves

company. Being the queen, she must have been the one who broke men’s hearts

anyway.

“But Maya—” Did Julie finally wake up? I was glad she had relaxed

enough to start talking on her own. “How do I know if these rules I am

making are the correct ones? Nobody every talked to me like you are talking.

This is some deep stuff and I doubt my girlfriends and female family members

know all of this.”

“Very good question, ma pikin.” Maya beamed. “I knew sooner or later you

will start seeing what I am trying to say and not just thinking about it.”

“Yes, Maya. I did not know there are so many types of sex out there.” It was

past midnight but I was wired and ready to listen to this village sex theory.

“Mariyah, just because you do not know there is an angel sitting next to

you right now does not mean he is not there.” Maya looked past my head.

“Don’t try to spook me out, Maya. I did not know all this stuff and I

thought angels come only when you need them; they don’t just hang out with

you,” I retorted.

“Then maybe you need one right now,” Maya responded. Either she did not

want to get off her advice track to us or she was just putting me on. I decided

not to argue; I would listen well and then digest all this information later.

“He who has ears will hear what I am saying,” Maya advised. I made a

mental note to add to my personal constitution: “It is more blessed to listen

than to talk.”

“Very good question, Julie.” Maya smiled encouragingly at Julie. “You

have all that knowledge within you; you just need to stimulate and waken it

up and then be conscious of it.” I was already getting exhausted listening to

what I had to do.

“That sounds like a lot of work to me,” James protested.

“It is at first just because you have lost your way in darkness and are now

trying to get back to the light. Even the first contact with light could blind

you. So you have to become a baby again and do it in baby steps. Once you

get the hang of it you will be running around, in fact flying, as it becomes all

so easy.”

“I already have so much work and responsibilities in my company and at

home,” James complained. Me too, I thought.

“This knowledge of self and your values will make all those responsibilities

seamless and joyful. You will find the ‘ joy’ in this ‘ journey’ of life everyday.”

94

Esther Lamnyam

I mentally listed some of the things I had to do, like work, clean, laundry,

iron, car maintenance, home maintenance, prepare lessons for seminars, take

care of family and friends, and study for my certification classes just to name a

few. The last thing I wanted to do was to start reading more books on all this

knowing myself stuff and developing this personal constitution. As if reading

my thoughts again, Maya said, “You already have that knowledge in you, like

I said. People and books can only try to teach you how to tap into it. You have

to do the work yourself. God can say there is a job downtown for you, but you

have to do the leg work by getting your resume and going to interview for the

job even though the job is already yours. On the spiritual plane, the deed is

already done, but for it to materialize on the physical plane you have to use

your physical body to reach out and take it from God’s hand.

“When you say ‘God willing,’ or by ‘God’s grace this and this is going to

happen,’ and then sit and wait for some benevolent spirit to show up at your

door and pick you up and put you on a desk with a job, or touch you and you

lose tens of pounds, you are doing God an injustice because He promised you

all of that a long, long time ago. Grace and all that are yours but it requires

a partnership; He does not walk around here the way you imagine. You

have to do that for Him to accomplish whatever mission that partnership

is working on at that point in time. It is already yours but you have to reach

out and take it.”

As a kid, my father made me ask for stuff from him. While in boarding

school, he made me defend my budget like the ministers of government did

before the president of the country. He used to cut all my requirements to

sometimes less than half what I had budgeted. I thought that was cruel

because I figured he was supposed to read my mind and do it. Besides, he knew

I needed money for sundries and snacks, so why did I have to ask him? Once I

wanted beignets and the beignets seller was carrying her basin of beignets and

singing “Fine beignets are going by,” just like an ice cream truck will jingle for

kids. I called for dad and he came outside the house, retrieved a quarter from

his pocket, and that would have gotten me two large tasty beignets.

“Call the beignets lady,” I said to him. He asked me to call the beignets

lady myself. I was expecting him to call unto the lady to come by our door; I

thought it was beneath me to shout out to the lady. My father said, “If you want

the beignets, you call the beignets lady. I have the money.”

I wanted him to call on to her and he refused. I anxiously watched the

lady carry the delicious basin of beignets and round the corner and disappear

behind some houses. I busted out into loud crying. My father took a cane and

whopped my behind.

“If you want something, you ask for it,” he said to me.

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

95

I always remembered this incident as if it happened yesterday and can

almost see the sunshine and hear the lady’s voice. I had wondered why I could

not get it out of my mind. My problem was not the whipping, it was the fact

that I could not ask for myself what I wanted.

I struggled with asking friends and family for anything all my life. Now

Maya reminded me that God had the quarter always ready in His pocket; all

I had to do was call out to the vendors and He will pay for it. “Ask and it will

be given unto you.”

I remembered walking out on relationships because I supposed the

men should have known what I wanted; besides, I thought at their age and

experience they should know the basic needs of a woman. I did not know that

only God can read my mind.

I could see this advice from Maya was not only for Julie and James, the

married couple, but also for me, the single woman, and I was now wishing

Rose, Angie, and Solace were here. When you find something good, you want

to share with your good friends. I made a mental note to explain to them as

best as I could what Maya was sharing with us now.

“You start to awaken that knowledge by making a choice to,” Maya explained.

“You make a conscious decision to awaken your spiritual self, the true you, and

to dwell always on that level.” Here again Maya was reintroducing what I now

called the “choice principle.”

“Be very clear on your intentions. Don’t worry about the details of how

to get to that spiritual level. Remember, it is already yours and your spiritual

partner God knows all the routes to take you there.”

I imagined going home from work to find an accident on the beltway; I

always made sure I knew all the major and back roads to my home. God knows

all the roads to your goals; sometimes the shortest possible route is used.

Sometimes He uses the longest routes. You might sulk when it is taking too

long but in the final analysis you realize it was the right way.

“Setting the intention to do something sends a clear message to the

Universe, the Cosmic, or God that you are ready and the help will come and

someone like me will be talking to you. I believe deep down somewhere one of

you asked for help to understanding your relationship sagas and God sent me

here,” Maya continued.

Once I was doing research on a topic and could not find much information

in the libraries. Then one day I was on the subway train and found a magazine

tucked between the wall and my seat. It had a six page article on the topic. Then

a few days later, I met an old man at a seminar and happened to just be making

conversation while waiting for the seminar to start and before I realized it, we

were discussing this topic and he was telling me things no book could have

taught me just like Maya was now doing. All I know is that I really wanted

96

Esther Lamnyam

the information badly and I had made a sincere prayer for help. God had the

quarters to pay for the information. I also realized now that I was looking for

information from books and my so-called “reputable sources” were men. God’s

reputable sources were totally different from those of men. So just set the

intentions, or get the vision or goal. Do something. Stimulate this partnership,

call the beignets lady, and get that quarter out of God’s hands.

“You have to learn to be still, and I don’t just mean sitting still like you are

doing right now listening to me. Julie has to listen to the Julie within. James has

to listen to the James within, and Mariyah has to listen to the Mariyah within.

Your inner self does not lie. Th e Master within is your guide. By connecting

to your inner self, you connect to your Source, or God or whatever you call it.

I was brought up to recognize ‘Knew Ngong’ the God of the Universe. He/She

dwells in you. If you cannot listen to yourself, you cannot listen to a man or

woman, husband, wife, child, or God Himself.”

“How do I start to do that?” James asked anxiously. I could feel his need: a

black man in America trying to make it. All else was now obviously vanity. He

had accumulated all this wealth and was still hungry for something else but did

not know what. It is like when you are there with your lover but you still miss

them. Something is missing but you do not know what. Solace dabbled in sex,

food, sculpturing a beautiful body, and men. I dabbled in working long hours

and clothing. Julie dabbled in cheating to get a baby to save her marriage and

material belongings. Angie made babies; Rose wanted more knowledge with

two PhDs, a JD, and certifications galore but none of this hit the spot for us.

It was well into the wee hours of the morning and none of us were ready

for sleep. Just in a few hours of listening to Maya Sophia, I felt a shift in my

consciousness and I was not the same Mariyah who had been eating ice cream

and tearing up with Julie over “ah huga huga.”

“My son, it is now late and we all need sleep, but since I see you are all

interested, we will have to continue this discussion after breakfast. Julie, call

Angie tomorrow and ask her to keep Micah. I do not have long to be with

you so I’ll bless you all before I go back, as you have now asked for a true

blessing.”

“Maya,” I said, “I was hoping to call Angie, Rose, and Solace to share in

this discussion.”

“Mariyah,” she smiled, “bless you, my daughter. Don’t ever lose your giving

spirit. Your wish to share with your friends is honorable. Let them come in the

evening as we are all at different stages of our evolution.”

I was trying to decide who will sleep in which bedroom when Maya said,

“Go bring some comforters; we all shall sleep here.” Maya and Julie each took

a couch and James and I folded on the floor, no questions asked.

Love Under the Kola Nut Tree

97

“Let the candle burn itself out,” Maya said to me, “and as you all fall asleep,

focus on your breathing, say your prayers, ask your inner self who you are,

and ask God to help you begin to get in touch with Self so you really begin to

know yourself.”

As I laid down to sleep, for the first time in a long time I felt the aura of a

family. There was love, comfort, joy, peace, and security in that room that night.

I just knew I was alright, everything would be alright. I had the power in me

and could feel it. I think I had wanted this for a long time; my cry was heard

and help was now on the way. I made a promise to myself to listen intently to

Maya and learn all I could. I smiled as I wondered if it was to my inner self

that I had made the promise to. Just like learning to ride a bike, I was going to

keep trying until it became seamless.

98

Chapter 12

Rose

Be Sociable, Share!

•